So the leaves are beginning to turn and it’s fall again and then comes the rain and then I have to think about ways to get my neighbours to invite me over for schnapps and cheese again, like last year. But in the meantime, I said some nasty things, in a fit of drunken rage, about the kind of cheese they buy, and they haven’t invited me over since. What can I do?

Yours truly,

Yearning for schnapps in spite of the cheese

Dear Schnappy: 

Do you know where to buy the loathsome cheese? Perhaps if you wandered innocently over with a large package of the smelly stuff, you might be allowed back into their good graces, particularly if you noted the brand of schnapps they enjoy, and had a couple of bottles of the loathsome poison along with you.

An apology is always good policy. In fact it will be the only thing that will open your neighbours’ door.

I know, I know, it’s demeaning to apologise for something you said in a moment of stunningly stupid truthfulness, but if you like the schnapps and the neighbours, well, you’re stuck.

Dear Gabby:

So here I am going over to Nanaimo with the school kids on the ferry. Basically they’re nice kids, but do they have to be so distressingly frank about things?

When I was young, we had a few things that were not up for public discussion, but these kids have no verbal delicacy whatsoever.

Frankly, they’re slobs. I’d like to teach them about polite public demeanour, but I know how that would work out.

Sincerely,

Distraught old person

Dear Distraught:

They do know the difference, dear. I’d bet my grandmother’s virtue that if Princess Kate and Prince William suddenly appeared on the ferry, those kids would speak in the most refined language one would wish, their skirts would be lower, their jeans would be higher, and their posture would be unbelievably good.

You’re just not important enough. Think of it this way – they consider you one of them, so don’t feel they have to put on the dog to impress you.

Dear Gabby:

I steal stuff. I like getting away with it.

So why am I writing to you? To brag, I guess. I’m very highly skilled.

Yours,

Clever Clogs

Dear Clog:

Read below.

Dear Gabby:

I own a business and I’ve been watching this person filching stuff. I’m writing to you to let them know I know. Maybe that’ll be enough to stop this nonsense.

Yours truly,

Fed up

Dear Fed up:

Read above. Maybe you could ask them out for coffee, and pick a different game.