So I’m hanging out at the Village and this chick comes up to me and asks me if I can check the oil in her car for her. Like she was cool and all that, but still, what a nerve, eh? So I told her to check her own f’ing oil, and then my friend does this weird, weird thing. He gets up and smiles at her and says he’d be glad to, as if he was some kind of frigging servant. Then after he’s checked her oil, and walked her over to the Co-op to help her pick out the f’ing oil can to fill it up, what does she do but ask him over for “tea”.

Yeah. Sure. Tea. Didn’t see him for a couple of days after that. So now he’s hanging out with this chick, and she’s hot, too, which makes it worse, and I don’t see him as much as I used to at the Village. I mean, we hung out together since Grade One, and all of a sudden, he’s too “busy” to talk to me? It sucks. What should I do, Gabby?

Yours truly,

Sitting On the Bench

Dear Benched:

Yeah. That sucks. Is this the first time your friend has abandoned you for a girl?

The good news, you will be amazed to discover, is that the chick came up to you, first, and asked you to check her car for her. That was what is called in some circles, an “overture”. Meaning, an invitation to get more friendly. Meaning that, as opposed to what one would glean from your account of your dilemma, you are not without charm and some kind of attractiveness yourself.

You may never until now have even considered such attributes as being somewhat necessary to your further functioning in life, but believe me, boy, they are.

Have you noticed any other girls that seem cool to you, besides the oil-can chick? Have you noticed a weird willingness to put up with their presence which is new to the way you’ve previously operated? If so, try copying what your friend did – be helpful when asked by a chick.

If she’s interested, don’t worry. She’ll take it from there while you learn the ropes.

Dear Gabby:

I tried what you said. Works like a charm. And you’re right – I don’t notice my own smell now. It took a while, especially getting used to the smell of dog poo on my shoes. But the neighbours have totally changed their attitude towards me, and now avoid even eye contact with me.  At last! I have so wanted to be alone. All those years at the bank, having to talk to anyone who came up to the till, year, after year, after year, after year … but that’s all over now, thank God.

Yours truly,

Grateful Hermit

Dear Grateful:

Glad to be of service. But if it’s you that’s watching girls at the beach, knock it off.

See previous Gabby column.

For obvious reasons The Flying Shingle tries never to disagree with our Dear Gabby, but unfortunately sometimes we do.