I am a retired “cop”. British. Undercover. Blend in. Like most people, you probably think I have it “made”, if I spent a lifetime as a policeman and didn’t blaze out in a psychotic rage or get killed in “line of duty”. But I am supremely bored.

Not that there isn’t a hint here of not-altogether “straight living” as you Canadians might put it. I wouldn’t presume to do anything to find out what is really going on, although there are indications that something seriously naughty is transpiring, somewhere on the island. Since I don’t want to expose my past, I can’t go to the local police and tell them what I suspect, so what would you suggest?

Yours sincerely,

Trained nose for criminal activity

Dear Nose:

Ah. Yes, of course, there is bound to be some boredom if one has spent a lifetime in the exciting game of cops and robbers. But I understand your dilemma. You have a strong penchant for justice. And maybe a need to ferret out the wrongdoers, as well?

Flushing out the game can be so rewarding. Have you given in to the urge to stake out suspects?

I suppose not, or you would have stumbled over our own intrepid upholders of the law, who, incidentally, probably know already who you are, given the “security” situation in Canada these days. Have you caught them yet, watching you as you watch Gabriolans?

But do not despair. There is a rich field here on Gabriola for applying your detective talents. Have you visited the Commons?  You aren’t likely to find criminal activity, but it would be a challenge for all of your sleuth instincts, my good man, and also a strangely satisfying glimpse into the clash between human nature and intelligence, which you have spent a lifetime studying. Let me know what you discover …

Dear Gabby:

This is my first summer in a cabin I bought along the shore. My problem is the neighbours. I want to commune with the environment, but it seems they don’t. They keep inviting me over for drinks or a meal and I have felt like an ingrate, turning them down. How do I tell them I want to be alone without being rude?

Cheers,

Aspiring Hermit

Dear Hermit:

Easy. Don’t bathe for a couple of weeks, find some doggy poo to walk in, and then drop in on the neighbours some hot afternoon. After a while, you won’t notice your own fragrance, but everyone else will. You might want to get your groceries ahead of time, to avoid a different kind of attention when you visit the Village.

Dear Gabby:

Tarot cards are my medium. But they don’t tell me what is coming in my own future any more. Any suggestions?

Yours truly,

Clairvoyant

Dear Clairvoyant:

I suffer from the same problem: brilliant about others’ issues, but blind as a bat to my own.

So I have my own clairvoyant. How much do you charge?

For obvious reasons The Flying Shingle tries never to disagree with our Dear Gabby, but unfortunately sometimes we do.