Listen, I live by only a few certainties when it comes to my health. One, that eggs are bad for me. Two, that drinking twelve shots of Jim Beam a day makes me more interesting. And three, that if you don’t drink eight glasses of water a day you will die of dehydration (and if you’re keeping up with your twelve shots of Jim Beam a day, you should probably double your water intake – and turn your phone off, because apparently your ex won’t find you more interesting).  But now it turns out it was all lies (well, all but the twelve shots of Jim Beam thing – that actually does make me more interesting).

According to “highly” “educated” “scientists”, the whole “drink eight glasses of water a day, or you’ll die of dehydration and your mother will tell you ‘I told you so’ ” thing is nothing but lies we were told … I can only assume by the powerful water industry that has been controlling the government for years. Nope, it turns out that you barely need any water, and the whole “eight glasses” thing is just a suggestion, kind of like your doctor’s diagnosis or speed limits. [Editor’s Note:  Natty, I keep telling you, you need to listen to your doctor about your cirrhosis of the liver.] [Journalist’s Note: No need. I’m using the cleaning power of alcohol to clean my liver of cirrhosis!] Apparently we get water from everything we eat and drink. There’s literally water in everything! (Which means I don’t have to feel guilty about leaving my taps running while I’m out for the day!) There’s even water in Jim Beam (Suck it, “doctors”!)

But, as a serious investigative journalist, here’s what I want to know: what else has the scientific world been lying to me about? What else have I been doing eight times a day that there’s no need for me to do? (And it’s not what I do in my bedroom alone, behind closed doors … who doesn’t need to change outfits eight times a day? Even if it’s just for my self-esteem.)

What about eggs? Are you going to tell me that I should be eating eggs now? [Editor’s Note:  Actually, Natty, doctors have been saying for ages that egg whites are actually quite good for you.  It’s the yolks you have to limit.] [Journalist’s Note: The same “doctors” that have been telling me to drink eight glasses of water a day … I’ll continue to take my chances and not eat eggs.]  And what about smoking? Maybe all this time we’ve been avoiding the beautiful stress-releasing air of cigarettes because they “give you cancer”.  Maybe we could have been smoking eight packs a day with no side effect except for joy. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

And that’s the real issue here. First there was global warming, which Al Gore’s Internet proved was all just made up by scientists, and now there’s water, eggs, and smoking? It’s like the whole world is a lie and we place our faith in “scientists” because they have fancy degrees and lab rats. If we can’t believe in science, then what can we believe in?

So here’s what I propose: we just end science. All of it. And whatever theories exist at this moment just become truths – which will last forever and never change. Big Bang Theory becomes the Big Bang Fact. String Theory becomes String Fact, and we just stop looking into things. Not only will it make the world less confusing and lie-heavy, it will make science class so much easier for high-schoolers.

Plus, it will free up all that research money for fun things … like free, joyful cigarettes for everyone.

Nathaniel Moher lives in Vancouver, vacations in Vancouver, and works in Vancouver. He’s once been to Crofton. Nathaniel writes TV shows to pay his bills and writes Golden Girls fan fiction to fulfill his dreams of writing Golden Girls fan fiction. And yes, he will date you.

Opinions expressed in this column will usually be those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of The Shingle.